Hey Everyone!
Firstly, thank you all for the support with regards to my last posting. Soon after posting a number of people reached out to me. Not only to show their support but to just talk about some of the things they were going through. My hope as we continue is that we find the strength to pursue our passions despite how uncomfortable it may seem.
August for me is usually characterized by avoiding social interaction whilst trying to distract myself with work and other fruitless mundanities. For those of you who know me on a more personal level, you all know that August 28th is the date of my father's passing. This year will be 10 years since his passing. Though a great deal of time has passed, I recognize that there is still some healing being done.
As I said before, typically during the month of August I avoid interacting with people. I used to spend the time feeling sad for myself. Then that sadness would turn to anger. Angry because I wasn't able to have the same experiences with my father that some of my closest friends did. I guess it was jealousy to some degree. It would only grow and become more toxic and ultimately eat at me until I just shut down in many ways. It took some time, but I am finally realizing that the difficulty in the situation isn't necessarily the loss itself. However, reconciling the loss and moving along in a healthy way has been the struggle.
After the events of the last year of my life lol. I decided I wouldn't sit in a pit of greed and jealousy and instead be appreciative of the experiences I was able to have with my father while he was here.
It is still hard at times, but a walk in the park compared to dealing with this as a 16-year-old in 2010 lol.
I remember when I was about 12 maybe 13. Though sometimes hard to believe, there was a time where my confidence wasn't able to occupy vast amounts of physical space. I used to be made fun of for the things I found interesting. I was interested in like "weird stuff." Like trying to learn as many words as I could. Apparently, that's frowned upon naturally, at 12/13 this is earth-shattering, I'm sure I had some part in blowing the situation out of proportion with my response but that's not the point right now lol.
One day after coming home from school I remember being supremely upset. Like pissed...
Not fully capable of understanding my feelings, my dad tried to walk me through it. I did not know at the time that I'd be recalling the details of that conversation multiple times in my life.
My dad sat me down and asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up. I told him, I wanted to make a career in the Air Force. More specifically, I wanted to be a fighter pilot. As a father should do, he told me to chase the dream because as much as I wanted it there'd be just as many things standing in my way.
Then he said something to me that I do not think I will ever forget. To be honest, even thinking about it now I can hear it exactly as he said it lol.
He looked at me and said, "Don't chase, just run your race."
I don't remember whether or not I felt better after all of that. The fact that I remember this so vividly would suggest that I was golden afterward.
I think it would be safe to say, I didn't truly understand the weight behind what he was telling me. After he explained what he meant in his statement, it began to stick.
After countless times recalling this story, it always shows me a new layer of what that saying meant. Often times, we become so obsessed with competing with our peers and those around us that we forget about the race that was charted for us personally. If I'm being honest, I think this complex, for lack of a better word, is responsible for a lot of dissatisfaction. It's hard to succeed at something you have absolutely no business doing. It is often this feeling of being stuck that makes people give up and not actualize their true potential.
In my experience, coming to that realization is often associated with a negative stigma. Almost like telling a person they CAN'T, when in actuality the logic calls for one to assess their goals. Only through assessment will you be able to say with certainty that you are running your race.
It'd be essentially like trying to breathe underwater.
Firstly, thank you all for the support with regards to my last posting. Soon after posting a number of people reached out to me. Not only to show their support but to just talk about some of the things they were going through. My hope as we continue is that we find the strength to pursue our passions despite how uncomfortable it may seem.
With that said. Let's get started
August for me is usually characterized by avoiding social interaction whilst trying to distract myself with work and other fruitless mundanities. For those of you who know me on a more personal level, you all know that August 28th is the date of my father's passing. This year will be 10 years since his passing. Though a great deal of time has passed, I recognize that there is still some healing being done.
Before I continue, I would like to highlight that this piece will not be sad in any way. :) More so an exploration into a more positive and uplifting point of view.
As I said before, typically during the month of August I avoid interacting with people. I used to spend the time feeling sad for myself. Then that sadness would turn to anger. Angry because I wasn't able to have the same experiences with my father that some of my closest friends did. I guess it was jealousy to some degree. It would only grow and become more toxic and ultimately eat at me until I just shut down in many ways. It took some time, but I am finally realizing that the difficulty in the situation isn't necessarily the loss itself. However, reconciling the loss and moving along in a healthy way has been the struggle.
After the events of the last year of my life lol. I decided I wouldn't sit in a pit of greed and jealousy and instead be appreciative of the experiences I was able to have with my father while he was here.
It is still hard at times, but a walk in the park compared to dealing with this as a 16-year-old in 2010 lol.
I remember when I was about 12 maybe 13. Though sometimes hard to believe, there was a time where my confidence wasn't able to occupy vast amounts of physical space. I used to be made fun of for the things I found interesting. I was interested in like "weird stuff." Like trying to learn as many words as I could. Apparently, that's frowned upon naturally, at 12/13 this is earth-shattering, I'm sure I had some part in blowing the situation out of proportion with my response but that's not the point right now lol.
One day after coming home from school I remember being supremely upset. Like pissed...
Not fully capable of understanding my feelings, my dad tried to walk me through it. I did not know at the time that I'd be recalling the details of that conversation multiple times in my life.
My dad sat me down and asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up. I told him, I wanted to make a career in the Air Force. More specifically, I wanted to be a fighter pilot. As a father should do, he told me to chase the dream because as much as I wanted it there'd be just as many things standing in my way.
Then he said something to me that I do not think I will ever forget. To be honest, even thinking about it now I can hear it exactly as he said it lol.
He looked at me and said, "Don't chase, just run your race."
I don't remember whether or not I felt better after all of that. The fact that I remember this so vividly would suggest that I was golden afterward.
I think it would be safe to say, I didn't truly understand the weight behind what he was telling me. After he explained what he meant in his statement, it began to stick.
After countless times recalling this story, it always shows me a new layer of what that saying meant. Often times, we become so obsessed with competing with our peers and those around us that we forget about the race that was charted for us personally. If I'm being honest, I think this complex, for lack of a better word, is responsible for a lot of dissatisfaction. It's hard to succeed at something you have absolutely no business doing. It is often this feeling of being stuck that makes people give up and not actualize their true potential.
In my experience, coming to that realization is often associated with a negative stigma. Almost like telling a person they CAN'T, when in actuality the logic calls for one to assess their goals. Only through assessment will you be able to say with certainty that you are running your race.
It'd be essentially like trying to breathe underwater.
Technically, it is possible. You'll die. But, it is possible.
Sometimes it's more advantageous to realize it'll take longer to grow gills than it does to just get out of the water.
As with all of my postings, I hope this has given you something to think about.
It is easy to lose focus but it's an essential part of life and most importantly running your race.
Peace.
Oh! I almost forgot!
This is Aria! She's actually the physical embodiment of perfection!
Comments
Post a Comment